My marriage ended in February of 1988 when my husband choose to end his life. I have been carrying around what is known as “survivor’s guilt” ever since. I have been diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and PTSD.
On Sunday, Dec. 31, Pastor Markus invited people to come to the front of the church if they needed to hear something specific from God. Initially I thought I needed help making a decision but when the person who prayed over me saw me, he said that the minute he saw me he heard the word “healing.” I was so happy to have the opportunity to experience the fact that God knew what I needed even more than I did. The minute he laid his hands on my head and began praying, I felt something leave my body. I saw an image in my mind of a very dark spirit and that made sense to me because that is how I had been feeling since 1988, despite medication and sessions with several different doctors.
I said the sinner’s prayer several years ago and I knew that God had forgiven me for every sin that I had ever committed, but what I realized is that I never forgave myself. Since Sunday night, I have come to know exactly what it means to be “reborn” because I feel as if I am seeing everything for the very first time. Even songs on the radio that I know sounded as if I was hearing them for the first time.
To say that I am happy is an understatement. I had recently begun seeing yet another doctor and I had an appointment with her the following Wednesday. I considered cancelling it but I felt I wanted to tell her what I had experienced. After talking with her she and I came to the conclusion that I would no longer need to see her or any other doctors ever again regarding my husband’s death.
He also told me that he heard God telling him to tell me that He loves me and He kept saying it over and over again and kept getting louder. I know that we have all been told that God loves us, but because I didn’t even like myself, I couldn’t imagine that God or anyone else for that matter would love me. Knowing that He really does love me is really what has changed my life. Someone once asked me if there was any joy in my life and at the time, I couldn’t think of a thing. Now, I would reply, “YES, God loves me!” I am so glad that God did not give up on me, although there have been times when I have given up on Him and myself.
VP, Jan 2018